Sometimes staying at rock bottom is easier for me. Why?

Rock bottom for me is days without taking my medications. It’s skipping classes and sleeping until noon. It’s Netflix all day and it’s eating junk food or no food at all. It’s ignoring everybody and making excuses not to go outside. Rock bottom sounds rough right? So why is it easier for me to stay there sometimes?

The way I described it to my boyfriend once is that once I hit rock bottom, I can’t really go any deeper. Once I’m sitting in the bottom of the hole, I can just sit. I can just sit and let the pouring rain hit my back.

Digging myself out of the hole means I have to fight against the pouring rain, I have to climb out of that hole, I have to use all of my energy and then some just to get out of a hole that I know I will be back in soon. So it’s easier for me to sit in the bottom of the hole, and not waste the energy on fighting to get out, because it’s a battle I fight in every single day. And I become exhausted and self destructive. So I let myself fall to rock bottom and I just get to rest.

Now, if I sit at rock bottom for too long, the rain pours down, fills up the the hole and I drown in the water. So rock bottom is not a permanent place, I know that. But sometimes, it’s easier for me to stay there for a while. But eventually, I have to dig myself out, and I always do.