Self Harm
✖️Trigger Warning✖️
Self harm, a name that means different things to different people, but it has one common definition: self destruction...
sounds scary and evil right? It is... to the outside world. But to those who face it everyday, to us, it’s often times more scary to live in a world without self harm, then to live in a world with self harm.
Cutting was my main method of self destruction. A simple attention seeking behavior that started with a group of friends my freshman year in high school, escalated to an addiction that became out of control. My boyfriend at the time was abusive and escalated the self harming. He even supplied razor blades and was not opposed to me cutting myself, daily, at all. After the relationship ended, I faced the new hardships of recovery.
Self harm recovery is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. It’s going through withdraws and fighting those urges to cut myself, when I’ve been clean for years...
No amount of rubber band snapping, or ice rubbing or drawing with markers, can get rid of the itch, the urge, to give in and cut myself again.
“Just once. Just once and then the urges will go away.” No. That’s bullshit. 1) the urges don’t go away- even when you do cut yourself. 2) cutting “once” is never actually cutting once. It’s like spraying a hornets nest and having the door locked so you can’t run back inside. It seems like a great idea and a sure way to resolve your problem. But once the first cut is done, once the nest is sprayed, you cannot escape very easily. It’s all you can think about. The urges are still there so you do it again and again and again. You dig deeper, hoping that the deeper you go, the urges will eventually stop. But most of the time they don’t.
Then the fear sets in. Panic... “Oh crap. What did I do? Why did I do that?” You have to hide it from everybody. You constantly think somebody saw or somebody knows. You beg for the cuts to heal overnight, so the anxiety of getting “caught” will be settled. You regret not being strong enough to not cut yourself. “Should I tell somebody, so they don’t see first?” But then who would you tell? Your mom? Your sister? Your therapist? Your friend? You feel the guilt that would come if you told anybody. So you keep quiet.
The cuts eventually heal. The fear and panic subside. The urges are gone for the time being.
Cutting is like doing drugs. The first time you do it, you might get addicted. You might not. But you eventually, you will get addicted.
If you or a loved one suffer with cutting or another form of self harm, do not hesitate to reach out and get help. Self harm is serious and it is not just for attention.
Visit any of these resources if you are seeking help for you or a loved one suffering from self harm.